This past week my life has felt like a typical line graph. You know, the red one you picture going up and down in an overall descent. I know that the saying is usually my life is like a roller coaster but those have to have rounded extremes so that they can work and won't kill the user. A line graph goes straight from a high point to a low point to a slightly higher point to an even lower point, etc.
On Monday, Mom, Jess and I shopped together and bought internet out here, which will be installed tomorrow, I think. Jess also got me and Jess tickets to Marianas Trench because she's amazing. Mariana's Trench was amazing too, I had so much fun travelling with my sister and best friend and it was so good to see Erin Anderson (spelling?) again - she lights up my life! I bought some really cute sandals for a third of the price. We got Matt and Mike from Marianas Trench to sign stuff before the concert, and Mike had no problem posing for a picture with Jess 3 times because the camera was being stupid. They seemed like really awesome people. They were a lot of fun.
I don't really know how to put into words the experience, it was one of the best nights of my life. There was this weird loving atmosphere: the band loved what they were doing and loved their fans, the fans loved the band and their music. Being in that place singing and dancing, everyone devoting themselves to to the four men before them. It was really like worship. Whether they sang, danced, or just watched happily.
I found myself wanting to spend my voice singing back to them. By moving or singing to their music it was like thanking them and praising them for creating it - letting them know how much it means to you, how much it effected you. Josh serenaded the crowd with 'Good to Me' and made it sound like a love song to their followers. In a lot of their songs they managed to speak to the crowd. When Josh sang the lines 'they don't know you like I do' it sounded as if he wanted to love and protect every member of the crowd. This all could just be my overactive imagination.
Still, like I said, I couldn't help but respond - even knowing that they couldn't hear my individual voice I wanted to give back some of what they gave me and poured my heart out singing. Now don't think I've elevated the band to the level of a god or something, I'm just saying this because the experience made me think of something.
Marianas Trench gave me songs, at the concert I was able to offer my presence and voice in appreciation, and in turn the band enjoyed themselves and gave their all to give the audience an unforgettable experience. The love was reciprocated and grown. The band loved loving the fans and the fans loved loving the band.
How much more than for Our Father in Heaven? Everything we are, everything we see, everything we know - they're all from God: our passions, our talents, our bodies, our minds, Everything! This concert helped me gain a better understanding of something I already knew. In everything we do we can and should praise God. Rejoice in all things. Remember when you were small and focused on all the small things - like I used to always stop and watch the water drain in the bath tube and wonder at the "tornado effect".
At the risk of sounding sickeningly optimistic there is something to cherish about everything. I used to read parts of the Bible where people had gone through a horrible experience and would start praying by praising God. I thought that meant I had to learn how to fake thanks - to force myself to praise God when I didn't feel like it, but that's not true. As long as I am able to comprehend my situation there is reason to rejoice.
I'm being really confusing aren't I? These things don't look so connected when written out but they are, if only I could phrase it better.
For example, the low points on my graph. Alina Carere, a cherished leader and friend of mine from Camp Hermosa was in an accident and is in critical condition. Outside of Camp though we didn't really speak. Even at Camp it wasn't as though we were terribly close, but she is very dear to me, more than I even realized.
Thursday night after I had already gone to bed my mom woke me up to tell me to call my best friend, that someone had been in an accident. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that it hit me and I couldn't help but cry. My brother, Travis, came and prayed with me. Eventually I slept and collected myself for homecoming. I even had a lot of fun the dance was awesome, and my friends are the Best! Still, I had a curious feeling of guilt, as if if I stopped going about my life that would somehow help her hold onto hers - even thought that makes no sense. After the dance I checked facebook, the group said RIP Alina and her sister thanked us for ours prayers and wanted us to know that Alina had felt no pain, and that she would be saving other lives because she's an organ donor.
I cried, harder than before, but before the feeling could really come to realization my brother, Shane, came in and I pushed my feelings aside again and treasured the time I had with my family. On the way home I started crying again! I don't think Trav and Jess noticed, I don't like crying in front of people especially for the third time in 2 days. In my room I had the desperate need to find a piece of Alina. A tangible message or item that could explain the deep connection I had with her. I tore my room apart looking for the camp envelope from the year she was my leader. After a long search I found it, a simple nice 2 line message. There was her signature but my feelings weren't satisfied, of course a short message couldn't provide what I wanted.
In English class we read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, in it there's a line that goes: "It is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence – that which makes its truth, its meaning – its subtle and penetrating essence…We live, as we dream – alone." I think that was what I wanted. I wanted something that I could hold that conveyed who Alina really was, but no such thing exists. That simple message isn't what I had wanted. I really just wanted to understand the imprint she left on my soul. I was a sudden irrational need. So I cried because I loved her and wish I could have known her more.
When I woke up this morning I felt like I had been hit by a bus. All that morning, try as I might, I couldn't smile but I was okay with that. I knew that it wouldn't be goodbye forever but I still let myself be sad for the time we'd never have on earth and sad for those who were closer to her. I had come to terms for the most part when I got a call from Jess saying Alina hadn't passed as predicted but held on. I was happy she was still with us but sad for the pain she was in and afraid that she still won't pull through. It was a really weird feeling though, because I felt like I had given up on her or something. I had tried to put a living person to rest in my mind but she's still fighting. It still doesn't look too good, but please keep her and hers in your prayers.
One thing did come from this confusing and painful experience though. Throughout these past 2 days in some far off part of my mind I realized that the praise-prayer is what comes naturally. God has blessed me so much and created such a beautiful person in Alina, and for whatever reason he brought us into each other's lives however briefly. Even though I was afraid and so sad and lonely at the thought of her passing, I was so thankful. Even though it hurt, I was just so happy he created Alina and gave me the chance to meet her. He me the body I used to meet and talk with her, he gave me the love that connected me to her, and I was so happy for that. All of my relationships and memories are precious to me, even if they're painful or shameful or trite.
In short, what has happened to Alina has messed with my head and heart so much but even in grief, the strongest feeling by far in my chest is praise, as weird as that sounds.
So this is my third and by far most rambly blog post yet. I'm not sure if my posts will really get shorter. I mean, I tend to be REALLY long winded, and confusing I imagine. So, we'll see. I mean most weeks shouldn't be as intense as this one has been.
Umm, it's 11 at night now and since, due to a crazy-misunderstanding-that-I-don't-really-understand-but-am-thankful-for I cried until 4:30 last night and had a restless sleep and I worked this morning so I'm tried. Ima go sleep now or something.
Thanks for reading. Grammar and spelling and everything sucks, I know. Sorry.
Love you all,
Cara (^_^)/
