An Attempt at Updating Regularly

Hey everyone!

I'm not really feeling inspired to blog right now but I thought I should while I have time so that it's not forever until I update again.

Wednesday night I dreamed that I was sleeping - it was the best sleep of my life!! Have you guys ever done that. It's weird, let me tell you.

So I've got projects and scholarship apps coming out the wazoo. Have I been working on them like a good student? You bet not! Why am I a glutton for punishment? I was doing so great working so hard in September but I've basically wasted October, Oh Dear.

So those are my goals for this long weekend. I'm also worrying like crazy over Christmas. I've been getting depressed lately over how boring I really am. I don't have a single hobby that creates anything. I'm not good at anything except 'school', and like I said, I'm even slacking on that! Ugh! How lame.

Yesterday I didn't wear a coat so I got a ride to Grandma's from work. We finished our conversation and I stepped out of the vehicle laughing and hear "HEY!!" barked really loud in my ear. There was a dirty man (between 20-30 years old?) in dark clothes right beside the car staring at us.

I just stared back, my brain couldn't process what the heck he was doing (honestly we were just inside the Oil Rig parking lot, no one walks there - and even if you did normal people would walk around a car not right up to it.). The whites of his eyes were huge I could see, like his eyes were popping out of his head.

He said "YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!" with I smile I couldn't understand. I looked to Dawn-Marie but still didn't move. At the time I wasn't scared, just completely bewildered. I heard him laughing and some shuffling, I looked up and couldn't see him anywhere. Dawn-Marie and I just looked at each other questioningly - neither of us knew who he was. She asked if I wanted her to walk me to Grandma's but I said I was okay and walked by myself.

When I think back on it today, I don't feel like laughing it off (haha weirdo, haha druggie). I keep seeing his eyes - it was like there was nothing to recognize in them. Gah, it gives me shivers - if eyes are the window to the soul that guy was inhuman. It was similar to the guy on drugs with the weird eyes that approached me at the dance but no where near the same. This guy's eyes seemed alert, intelligent even, but not like a person playing around, it was different. It was a weird experience...

Someone passed away at my school so the whole place is in a weird state of mourning. Not that it's weird for us to be mourning but the mass mourning is a weird feeling.

Anyway, there you go! My life's pretty boring right now really.

Hope you're all enjoying this lovely fall!

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Cara (^_^)/

Hey! Someone Made Me a Thingy-Thingy! \(^u^)/

That's what I said (yes aloud) when I checked my blog today. Mom heard me and got very confused. I quite like my new title-page-thing, the random picture was distressing me to no end.

Now the question is... Who done it? Travis... possible, he would know my password and is artistic but no. I don't think so for a few reasons:

Reason 1: Trav has recently been eaten by school.

Reason 2: It is not cutesy. I have a great deal of confidence Trav would wanna make it cutesy.

Reason 3: The image of the words and the caribou have been expertly spliced together, and Travis is a more - draw it himself kinda guy.

Reason 4: Unlike one of my siblings, Travis is not very likely to break into others internet accounts.

That gives me no choice but to conclude my new lovely title is a work of my sister's computer-artsy genius. Thank You, I Love It! And if I'm wrong, which I highly doubt, I'm very sorry for the mix up!

So that lit up my day, that's the second time in two days. Sorry for the depressing post the other day, I'm just going to continue on that topic a little longer:

Alina has passed away and though I've known for a few days and thought I got over it, I found myself crying silently at my Grandma's before work (silent because I didn't want Grandma to know I was crying). Right in the midst of my sob fest there's a loud knock on the door. It was Rick and Nick!

I quickly tried to fix my face so they wouldn't see that I'd been crying. It was so good to see them! Nick looks so different since the surgery and I didn't think it was possible but he's even skinnier!! I was kinda taken off-guard so we were talking for a few minutes outside before I realized how cold it was and invited them in. It was so good to hear from him, I wish there had been more time to listen to his stories from school but I had to work.

Anyway, I was very touched by the visit. It might sound bad but I was so surprised and very happy that they came to visit me - they went out of their way to visit me specifically. When I thought about that I felt like crying again. I've been blessed with such amazing friends (when I say friends I mean family too - because I consider you all as my dearest friends). I'm really praying for your happiness. Just the thought of you lifts my spirit. I'm so happy I'm alive, I'm so happy I know you.

Thanks for caring for me, even though I'm boring, and awkward, and frugal, and a read-a-holic, and eat salads at KFC. Maybe I sound really awkward and fake like this, saying so many corny things, but a long time ago I decided that I wanted to be that kind of person. The kind that will tell people when someone touches their heart, even if it's lame or embarrassing. I still can't always do it, it's so weird to be so honest (especially to people you don't know very well), but one day I won't be ashamed to speak so kindly to strangers. One day it'll come so naturally I won't have to regret not speaking from the heart.

I think I talk too much. I always valued what my best friend, Jess, would say to me. She doesn't babble especially when she's talking about something important. I can remember many times bringing my troubles to her and her offering a short wise statement that summed up what would have taken me hours to express. I really admired her, and wanted to be wise with my words like she seemed to be but I realized I couldn't. She is who she is, and I am who I am. I can learn from her example but I can't copy it. I have to find my own way to speak, even if it takes me many more words. I'm the kind of person that just can't be satisfied with an 'understood truth', I'll alway want to verbalize it no matter how abstract. Oh well...

I have the feeling I'll end up repeating myself a lot in this blog so sorry in advance.

As for what's going on with me, I have a head-cold. That's what I get for bragging I hadn't had one in a year! Haha. I'm all gross and sicky.

I have a lot of school work and scholarships to worry about but I don't want to work on it when my head feels like it's full of cotton balls. I'm worried about putting it off, I don't want to be lazy, but I want to get better as soon as possible (so rest up) and I want to do a good job on them.

I hope I feel better for work tomorrow... Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading and tune in next time! :P

Love,

Cara (^_^)/

PS: What do you think the language in the background of the title is?

Line Graph

This past week my life has felt like a typical line graph. You know, the red one you picture going up and down in an overall descent. I know that the saying is usually my life is like a roller coaster but those have to have rounded extremes so that they can work and won't kill the user. A line graph goes straight from a high point to a low point to a slightly higher point to an even lower point, etc.

On Monday, Mom, Jess and I shopped together and bought internet out here, which will be installed tomorrow, I think. Jess also got me and Jess tickets to Marianas Trench because she's amazing. Mariana's Trench was amazing too, I had so much fun travelling with my sister and best friend and it was so good to see Erin Anderson (spelling?) again - she lights up my life! I bought some really cute sandals for a third of the price. We got Matt and Mike from Marianas Trench to sign stuff before the concert, and Mike had no problem posing for a picture with Jess 3 times because the camera was being stupid. They seemed like really awesome people. They were a lot of fun.

I don't really know how to put into words the experience, it was one of the best nights of my life. There was this weird loving atmosphere: the band loved what they were doing and loved their fans, the fans loved the band and their music. Being in that place singing and dancing, everyone devoting themselves to to the four men before them. It was really like worship. Whether they sang, danced, or just watched happily.

I found myself wanting to spend my voice singing back to them. By moving or singing to their music it was like thanking them and praising them for creating it - letting them know how much it means to you, how much it effected you. Josh serenaded the crowd with 'Good to Me' and made it sound like a love song to their followers. In a lot of their songs they managed to speak to the crowd. When Josh sang the lines 'they don't know you like I do' it sounded as if he wanted to love and protect every member of the crowd. This all could just be my overactive imagination.

Still, like I said, I couldn't help but respond - even knowing that they couldn't hear my individual voice I wanted to give back some of what they gave me and poured my heart out singing. Now don't think I've elevated the band to the level of a god or something, I'm just saying this because the experience made me think of something.

Marianas Trench gave me songs, at the concert I was able to offer my presence and voice in appreciation, and in turn the band enjoyed themselves and gave their all to give the audience an unforgettable experience. The love was reciprocated and grown. The band loved loving the fans and the fans loved loving the band.

How much more than for Our Father in Heaven? Everything we are, everything we see, everything we know - they're all from God: our passions, our talents, our bodies, our minds, Everything! This concert helped me gain a better understanding of something I already knew. In everything we do we can and should praise God. Rejoice in all things. Remember when you were small and focused on all the small things - like I used to always stop and watch the water drain in the bath tube and wonder at the "tornado effect".

At the risk of sounding sickeningly optimistic there is something to cherish about everything. I used to read parts of the Bible where people had gone through a horrible experience and would start praying by praising God. I thought that meant I had to learn how to fake thanks - to force myself to praise God when I didn't feel like it, but that's not true. As long as I am able to comprehend my situation there is reason to rejoice.

I'm being really confusing aren't I? These things don't look so connected when written out but they are, if only I could phrase it better.

For example, the low points on my graph. Alina Carere, a cherished leader and friend of mine from Camp Hermosa was in an accident and is in critical condition. Outside of Camp though we didn't really speak. Even at Camp it wasn't as though we were terribly close, but she is very dear to me, more than I even realized.

Thursday night after I had already gone to bed my mom woke me up to tell me to call my best friend, that someone had been in an accident. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that it hit me and I couldn't help but cry. My brother, Travis, came and prayed with me. Eventually I slept and collected myself for homecoming. I even had a lot of fun the dance was awesome, and my friends are the Best! Still, I had a curious feeling of guilt, as if if I stopped going about my life that would somehow help her hold onto hers - even thought that makes no sense. After the dance I checked facebook, the group said RIP Alina and her sister thanked us for ours prayers and wanted us to know that Alina had felt no pain, and that she would be saving other lives because she's an organ donor.

I cried, harder than before, but before the feeling could really come to realization my brother, Shane, came in and I pushed my feelings aside again and treasured the time I had with my family. On the way home I started crying again! I don't think Trav and Jess noticed, I don't like crying in front of people especially for the third time in 2 days. In my room I had the desperate need to find a piece of Alina. A tangible message or item that could explain the deep connection I had with her. I tore my room apart looking for the camp envelope from the year she was my leader. After a long search I found it, a simple nice 2 line message. There was her signature but my feelings weren't satisfied, of course a short message couldn't provide what I wanted.

In English class we read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, in it there's a line that goes: "It is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence – that which makes its truth, its meaning – its subtle and penetrating essence…We live, as we dream – alone." I think that was what I wanted. I wanted something that I could hold that conveyed who Alina really was, but no such thing exists. That simple message isn't what I had wanted. I really just wanted to understand the imprint she left on my soul. I was a sudden irrational need. So I cried because I loved her and wish I could have known her more.

When I woke up this morning I felt like I had been hit by a bus. All that morning, try as I might, I couldn't smile but I was okay with that. I knew that it wouldn't be goodbye forever but I still let myself be sad for the time we'd never have on earth and sad for those who were closer to her. I had come to terms for the most part when I got a call from Jess saying Alina hadn't passed as predicted but held on. I was happy she was still with us but sad for the pain she was in and afraid that she still won't pull through. It was a really weird feeling though, because I felt like I had given up on her or something. I had tried to put a living person to rest in my mind but she's still fighting. It still doesn't look too good, but please keep her and hers in your prayers.

One thing did come from this confusing and painful experience though. Throughout these past 2 days in some far off part of my mind I realized that the praise-prayer is what comes naturally. God has blessed me so much and created such a beautiful person in Alina, and for whatever reason he brought us into each other's lives however briefly. Even though I was afraid and so sad and lonely at the thought of her passing, I was so thankful. Even though it hurt, I was just so happy he created Alina and gave me the chance to meet her. He me the body I used to meet and talk with her, he gave me the love that connected me to her, and I was so happy for that. All of my relationships and memories are precious to me, even if they're painful or shameful or trite.

In short, what has happened to Alina has messed with my head and heart so much but even in grief, the strongest feeling by far in my chest is praise, as weird as that sounds.

So this is my third and by far most rambly blog post yet. I'm not sure if my posts will really get shorter. I mean, I tend to be REALLY long winded, and confusing I imagine. So, we'll see. I mean most weeks shouldn't be as intense as this one has been.

Umm, it's 11 at night now and since, due to a crazy-misunderstanding-that-I-don't-really-understand-but-am-thankful-for I cried until 4:30 last night and had a restless sleep and I worked this morning so I'm tried. Ima go sleep now or something.

Thanks for reading. Grammar and spelling and everything sucks, I know. Sorry.

Love you all,

Cara (^_^)/

AH! FOLLOWERS!

Lately I've been having really weird dreams. They were some whacked-out series of school related dreams and they were messing with my head so much I put it in my facebook status.

Shane suggested I dream about posting my next blog. 'Blog? He's looked at my Blog?'

Oh yes, Cara and you have 5 angry followers. Okay, I don't know if anyone's angry but I would be if I had to wait so long for someone to post. I was waiting for some feedback and then kinda forgot about it. Whoops, sorry guys. Happy to hear you've read my last post. I'm slightly put out that most of the comments were - 'more' but slightly encouraged too, I guess.

...

Yeah, I'm still not interesting. I'm working my behind off between school, and university research, and scholarship applications, and club activities, and work, and eating, and sleeping.

I've written some poems and essays that I'm quite pleased with. English class is rather delightful. I feel like I've poured so much of myself into English work though that I don't have much more to vent. I'm feeling particularly dull.

The first week of school my English teacher assigned a project inspired by the personalized 'Periodic Table' in the book 'Shampoo Planet', I believe. We had to take 50 nouns that define us and explain 10 of them. For some reason when I get projects and questions at school about myself I take them seriously. It’s a valuable chance to reflect on your life in ways you never thought of before. So I put a lot of work into these answers so maybe you'll be interested:

1. Jc – God: This is my faith. It is not a crutch, not a childish hope, not an adopted idea. I will not judge or look down upon those who do not share it. I abhor when others do. To me, this is truth, and it is through Him I am.

2. Lv – Love: To some this seems redundant to the first, but I suppose I felt the need to stress the point. This is not Hollywood love, not a shadow of love, but the real deal. A love that is patient, kind, and true. A love that does not envy, boast, hold grudges, or take joy in evil things. A love that is not proud, rude, self-seeking, or easily angered but always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. All true love stems from this and it is valuable above all else.

3. Lf – Life: I believe almost everyone gets to a place in their lives where they suddenly feel: “What is the point?” or something along those lines. As free beings once we realize life is optional each moment is a choice, whether we realize it or not. I choose life. If we treated our days as time willingly spent I feel we would find much greater meaning in our existence. Each life is unique and limited. It is precious.

4. Fm – Family: We are not the Brady Bunch. I admit no one is but we do not even come close. There are scars, open wounds, infections and not all are being dealt with properly. I used to look at other families and envy. Oh how I envied the well off, well loved, and well treated children in my elementary school. At least that is how they seemed to me. In truth though, we are perfect. This is my perfect family and I would never wish them away. I will love them forever.

5. Fr – Friendship: This too I took for granted. I loved them as well as I was able, that is one step below myself – not that I was aware of this. My idea of friendship was only slightly improved on the love/hate status many girls adopt. I found gossip and competition distasteful and surrounded myself with good and gentle hearts, though I still did not understand true friendship. It was a journey, and will continue to be a journey but it is a rare treasure and I am very thankful.

6. M – Music: My life is an orchestra. I am no virtuoso but I live on music. I need it like I need oxygen. People often catch me singing, humming or even swaying in the middle of class, in a group of people, washing my hands, by myself, anywhere, anytime. I don’t realize what I’m doing because I almost always have a tune in my head. Whenever I do not it means something is terribly wrong.

7. Nt – Nature: This is powerful, awe inspiring, and fragile. I cannot express why but it is essential in my life. I need it like I need food. As amazing as technology is, we could spend ages without enjoying the outdoors and still find things to entertain us. In my personal experience though, I need to just be outside regularly. I can spend hours lying in the shade without getting bored. Rather than making me tired, moments like those give me more energy.

8. Hm – Thought: I think people who know me best may avoid seriously asking me what I think because they rarely want the true answer. I don’t really understand why. When I explain to someone a train of thought I’ve had, they usually get bewildered looks on their faces and after a beat tell me that I ‘think too much’ or I am ‘weird’. They say it in the most loving way possible, of course. Still, I had always imagined everyone thought in basically the same way. So the idea that this was uncommon threw me. I believe deep thought is important so that one minimizes regrets. As thoughtful as I may think I am, however, I still manage to be an impressively forgetful and oblivious person – a mystery.

9. Ui – Links: Everything is connected. I am proof. Everything I know, all I have experienced is connected through me. My entire world, if to nothing else, is connected to me. It does not end there though. I truly believe everything is more tightly connected than we realize. Coincidences give me shivers. Why, in a classroom for example, would I spontaneously turn 180 degrees to look right into the eyes of someone at the back of my row who wanted my attention but did not make a sound? Things like this happen each day but most times we do not even realize it. If I sound crazy just ask a scientist. It’s quantum physics.

10. Bm – Birthmark: I am emotionally attached to the birthmark on my neck. It’s ridiculous but true. When someone tells me about having tried to describe me to someone, I always ask if they mentioned the mark. The answer is always no and it makes me somewhat sad – a mystery.

It's a little hard core for such a basic get-to-know-you project, but that's the way I roll! Mwahahaha! I'm glad I wrote it, but I can't help thinking my English teacher must think I'm pretty weird.

So, I went to a University night at Northern and fell in love with Queens! Yep yep, it seems just my style. I'd gush more but it's Friday and I 'can't bare' to think about school. I just reminded myself of Jane Eyre, which I am reading for my independent novel study. I think I was a lot like Jane when I was a little girl despite the differences in our backgrounds. If we get any more alike as the book goes on I'm going to be spooked!

Mom bought me better internet but so far it doesn't work... hopefully it will soon. I'm on the dial-up right now. My fingers are freezing and it's cold enough to make my nose feel runny - Ew. I'm all bundled up. I think the woodstove would be going if Dad hadn't dismantled it.

I am totally getting the 'top of the foodchain' vibe at school. It's like grade eight, where all these people you thought you didn't know talk to you like you're old friends, which you kind of are since you've been going to school with them for 4 years. It's just weird and kinda nice to have so many people calling you by name in the halls.

I can see why in Fantasy books, names often hold special power. There's just something that happens when someone acknowledges you and calls you by name... I wish I could describe it. It's like, you spend your whole life alone - no one can see the world through your eyes, no one but you is keeping you company 24/7 - but when someone calls out your name, it's like they have a hold on some part of you, which is a little scary but pleasant too, like telling you you're not so alone.

Check it out for yourselves. Maybe it's just me, but when someone is talking to you and keeps using your name you can't help but feel a deeper connection to what their saying, maybe even to them themselves - it can be really unpleasant if they're scolding you.

Oh look - there was more of me left to share with you guys. I really got into that topic just now. I'm actually supposed to be working on a biology project that was due Thursday and I have yet to start... It's 'Bad News Bears' as my friend Sheldon would say.

So yeah, sorry for the wait. I'll try to write more often - in the meantime please share your thoughts.

Thanks for reading,

Love,

Cara (^_^)/